Dealing with Toddler Tantrums, the Gentle Way

Before you start reading, let me say this is not a traditional blog post. These are my notes to the first two videos in my toddler tantrum series and I wanted to have a place for reference for any caregivers that might want to be able to print them out and take notes of their own. It will make much more sense if you watch the videos:

• Toddler Tantrums, Part 1: Why they happen and how you can help prevent them
• Toddler Tantrums, Part 2: How to handle them gently and respectfully when they inevitably happen

Disclaimer: I’m not a parenting expert. I have done my own research and studied my children, but I’m just another mom out here trying to survive in these mom streets and I hope that something that we have learned and incorporated will work for you or help you find your own way.

• Why Tantrums/Understanding Your Toddler
  • Kids are humans from the beginning and we should treat them as such.
  • Because they have no self-control AND are feeling a lack of control
  • Because toddlers are self-centered and they want what they want.
    • They have no interest or even awareness of becoming a productive contributing member of the family or society…YET

• An ounce of Prevention
  • Are their needs met? Have they eaten, had water, had their nap? Think about how you feel when one of those things is not taken care of. I told my husband when we first started courting “Listen, if at some point it seems like I’m snapping at you for no apparent reason, offer me a sandwich and a nap.” (I tend to stay pretty well hydrated)
  • Say YES whenever possible. So, on my channel, I encourage that you always be honest with yourself. This is one of those moments…are you having your own tantrums in the form of being a bit of a control freak? Are you insisting things be done a certain way when they really don’t have to be done that way? Here’s an example that I’m sure I’ll run into again. B was about 17 months and the weather was starting to get nice. After school he just wanted to be outside on our tiny little “deck” and didn’t want to come in for dinner. It was just the two of us and I could’ve insisted that we come in and eat at the table, which would’ve resulted in a tantrum, refusal to eat, and likely a much greater delay to the bath. Instead I said, ok, let’s eat outside. I grabbed something to put down on the ground and we ate sitting on the deck. Easy peasy!
  • Find ways throughout their day to give them a sense of independence, control and contribution.
    • Let them choose their outfit from seasonally appropriate options
    • Make things accessible for them so they don’t feel like they. have to rely on you or ask you for every little thing.
    • Ask them to help you with little tasks
      • can you take this to the trash can?
    • Give them choices
      • Do you want to turn on the night light or would you like me to do it?
      • Do you want choose a book from the living room or from your room for nap time?
  • Give your kid attention…like real attention
    • Try to spend at least 10 minutes of uninterrupted time with them every day. Sometimes a tantrum is simply a cry for attention. And if you notice this happening, you can ask “do you need mommy’s attention right now?” I’ve taught Brixton to say I need attention (which has turned into “I need Mommy”) but I know that in that moment, he just needs….ME.
  • Prepare them for transitions.
    • Use natural transitions if you can
    • Force natural transitions if you can
    • Give them a sequence of events so they know it’s coming
    • Make them aware of the time limit and set a timer if you need to.
      • There are mixed feelings out there on timers, but I have found that what works for us is to use the timer to make all parties aware of the boundary that we, the parents, have set. We DO NOT give the timer the authority.

• What NOT to do
  • Do not respond out of emotion. You’re frustrated. You have a schedule to keep. What they’re upset about makes no sense to you. I get it. But we are trying to help them learn how to regulate their emotions and the biggest way we teach our kids ANYTHING is through modeling. This tantrum is not about you or how you feel about it. It’s about helping them learn how to work through their own feelings.
  • Do not immediately try to physically force them to do what you’re asking them to do. Emphasis on immediately – we’ll get to that later. If they’re already melting down from feeling a lack of control, then you physically restraining them or forcing them to be still is not going to help. You’re going to reinforce their need for control
  • Do not try to stop the emotion. We don’t want to teach our children to shut down and swallow their feeling, we want to teach them how to handle them appropriately. Then you’ll find yourself frustrated with your teenager that never wants to share with you.
  • Don’t try to change their mind. They don’t need to agree with you that candy isn’t a suitable breakfast; they simply need to understand that they won’t be having it.
  • Don’t use certain words. Stop. Tantrum. No. Fit. Bad.

• Do this first
  • Take a breath. You have to first ensure that you’re regulated before you try to help them regulate. This is probably not recommended by the experts so take it with a grain of salt, but I have a temper so sometimes when I’m particularly frayed and Brixton is completely melting down, I have to take a step away to collect myself. This is usually the case when he’s refusing to go to bed (especially for nap) and acting entirely out of over-exhaustion and cannot be consoled. He’s spiraling and I am too. In those moments, I know as the parent that he is just sleepy and the most productive thing I can do is take a step away. At that point, my presence FOR MY CHILD is his trigger. Once I’ve taken a few breaths, I go back and resume the following

• So the tantrum is happening and you’re calm. Now what?
  • Empathy for the win – Set your mindset in a supportive space
    • Look at it from their POV
      • Little say in what they do
      • They’re all impulse at this age
      • Even if it doesn’t make sense to you, they’re upset.
  • Offer yourself both physically and emotionally
    • Get down on their level and make eye contact
    • Lower your voice. This both models the behavior and naturally causes them to lower their voice so they can hear you
    • Acknowledge their feelings. Again, children are humans from the start. They want to be seen just like the rest of us. Sometimes they just need to know that you hear them.
    • Encourage the emotion. I know. Counterintuitive, but sometimes (often times) it’s not about what just happened immediately preceeding the big feelings. They might’ve had a rough day. They might be upset about something else. They might just need a good cleansing cry. So sit there, pick them up if they’ll let you, rub their little backs and rock gently. I just whisper, get it all out. Mommy’s here. I can take it. Give it all to me.
  • Offer them a choice
• So what might this all look like in practice?
  • Example, it’s bedtime and we’ve gone into his room and I turned on the light. Brixton immediately flips out throwing himself on the floor screaming my turn!
    • I pause to breathe and assess the situation
    • get down on the ground and speak to him in a soothing voice. I usually will just say hey, kiddo or call his name until I get his attention. I’ll reach for him to see if he’ll come to me. If he doesn’t I just sit and wait
• “I see you’re upset because you wanted to turn on the light. Mommy didn’t realize that you wanted to do it this time. I’m sorry that upset you. Would you like to go back and turn it off or would you like to turn on the fan?

• Break in case of emergency
  • If it is dragging on for a really long time and you’ve done all the things and you need to be able to live your life, ya’ll have to go, etc., then you have a couple of options. You may need to firmly but lovingly walk away. You must explain CLEARLY why you’re walking away so they don’t just feel abandoned. One that I often run into is we’ve just gotten home from school and he refuses to take his shoes off to come upstairs (we don’t wear shoes inthe house) and I have to pee. I will first try to get him to take his shoes off, let me help him, on and on. But at a point I’ll just say, ok, I have to pee and I’ve taken my shoes off so I’m going upstairs. When you’re ready to take your shoes off, you can come up with me. Odds are he will collect himself and come find me for comfort. However, if he doesn’t, I go back after I’ve done what I need to do. Similarly, you may have to keep a certain schedule in the morning to get to work and your kiddo doesn’t want to leave. You may have to gently but firmly pick up your child and get them in the car seat. We always explain how we’ve ended up here and why we have to go. We also acknowledge that he’s upset and didn’t want to go to school. We keep the lines of communication open in the car and check back in more intimately when we get where we’re going – whatever the case may be.

Some of this sounds counterintuitive and I’ve found that one of the biggest challenges I’ve had as a parent is unlearning things that don’t support how I want to raise my kids. If there’s something you found particularly challenging and may need more context on, please share that in the comments and I’ll do my best to elaborate or point you to a resource for more info.

If you find yourself faced with a particular recurring tantrum scenario and you’re still not sure what to do, comment below if you’d like to hear how I’d handle it to see if there’s a nugget in there you can try.

AND if you have any tips for preventing or addressing tantrums in a respectful and gentle way, please share those in the comments as well so we can all learn from each other. It’s not about judgement; we need to be supporting each other as we’re simply doing our best.

I know this is a lot to take in so you might want to save this one for reference.

Don't forget to stay in touch!